Separation, stages

Dear kids,

A few weeks ago we got some bad news. Your grandpa has a stage 2 tumor in his lung.

Had, rather. They managed to remove it with surgery last week. But he will still need chemotherapy, and we have no outlook on what the survival rate is.

I feel much anger and sadness at the thought that you will possibly not have either one of my parents in your lives. I suppose I would like to tell you to not wait too long to have children, not as long as I did. You don’t want to have them too early, but I was 34 and 37 respectively when each of you were born, and I now realize that may have been too long.

I hope I will be around to see my grandchildren.

Anyway, I had to leave you for the first time in your lives. The longest I had ever left you was one night, both of you. But last Monday I flew to California, where I am now, for two weeks to care for Grandpa after his surgery, and so I am apart from you.

It was horrible to leave you. I cried and cried. I missed you on the plane, and I miss you here. But I know this was the right thing to do. Grandpa is very tired and wouldn’t be able to withstand the energy of you energetic children. It’s best that I am here alone with him.

Every morning I go on a jog down to an Italian coffee place for a delicious decaf latte. I go early, around 7am. I do some morning breathing meditation exercises. Then I sit with my father, reading, watching a movie or just chatting with him about life in general.

This time with my father, with your Grandpa, is very precious, and I am grateful for it.

I am looking forward to seeing you all very soon. This was yet another step in the process of separation, which you might say began at birth, when you went from my belly out into the world. Perhaps that is why giving birth is so painful. It is only the beginning. It goes on to the first time you have to leave your children overnight, and, if you are lucky and blessed, it ends at the end of your life, when you have to leave them for good.

I hope that it will be this way for me, for you, and for my father.

Mama has a heavy heart my darling children. I hope  that I am able to find a path back to happiness, somehow, some way.

I feel confident that you will be my biggest guides on that path.


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