You are officially about a month away from being born, but as we all know very well, it could be a lot sooner than that. It could be a couple of weeks from now, or heck, tonight even. But I’m kind of hoping you will stay nice and cozy in there for a while longer. At least till October, when your nana comes and takes care of your big brother. But you know, whatever happens, we will figure it out. The important thing I’m praying for is that you are healthy. That is all that matters.
Daughter, I feel badly that I have not written about you sooner, that I have not blogged this pregnancy. I have facebooked it quite a bit, but a blog is different. Do you know, daughter, that this post, this one right here, is the first sort of blog or journal entry I have written since your grandma, my mother, passed away in April? I usually at least journal once a week or so. I have not done this at all, Daughter. I am afraid of doing it even now. See, Daughter, I still feel so sad about Momie passing, and I am very afraid of going down this path of self-reflection, because I am trying so hard not to go there right now. I know that one day soon, I will have to. But for now, I attempt to keep it all inside. I feel I have to do this right now, to keep it together. I feel even that this is maybe what Momie would have wanted.
But there will come a time when I will have to come face to face with all these emotions, and the truth is I don’t want to do it alone. It’s too scary. I will need to find a therapist to help me go down that sad, scary path, and I can’t do it right now, not when your debut is imminent. I can acknowledge that it’s there, but I have to dam it up inside for the time being.
But rest assured, Daughter, I will go down that path someday soon, when I have more time. I have to. I do not think it is healthy to keep it inside. This is the first lesson I would like to teach you about life, my daughter. Don’t keep it inside. Feel it long and loud, no matter how painful it is. Feel everything. Feel joy and anger and frustration and laughter.
Anyway, as this may be the last pregnancy I experience, I didn’t want it to go by without writing anything at all.
So, you appear to be a girl. I have to admit that I was surprised to hear you were a girl (though once again like with your brother, I had an intuition that I only realized after the fact. Plus the fact that this time around I had a lot of morning sickness, and you know the old saying about that). I have to admit that at first I was kind of hoping for another little boy, I liked the idea of two little boys being rowdy, but now I have so warmed up to the fact that you appear to be a little girl. It is such a blessing, daughter, to have a son and a daughter. The best of both worlds. And while we are not buying much this time around, I do confess to having bought you a couple of cute little pink outfits from Absorba and Petit Bateau (on the sale rack), and I fully plan on getting you some girly dresses and rompers later on. I bought you a pink herrisson from Tartine et Chocolat to match the blue one I got for your brother when he was in my tummy. I am all about chocolate brown and pink for you, not the girly light pink, but the deep kind of pink that goes well with chocolate brown. For your brother I was obsessed with navy blue, a color I think goes well for girls too, but I am in the process of ordering some pink and chocolate birth announcements for you, and a few other things. I love that set up.
I doubt if I’ll be one of those moms who are really into girly stuff, I admit that I do like the idea of some of your brother’s old clothes for you, but a few girly things are necessary. I plan on getting a new stroller, a Bugaboo this time around, but that’s it for the big purchases.
I have to admit that it’s a bit scary to think of having a girl, simply because I have been through it and am very worried about bringing my own complexes to you. That is so scary, daughter. I don’t know if I will succeed in giving you a healthy body image, confidence, and the ability to have healthy relationships with boys. Those are all things I need to work on.
I am looking forward to giving you some jewelry that my mom, your momie, gave me when I was seven years old. What a wonderful rite of passage that will be.
You will have pigtails, and bangs.
I’m not sure if I ever told your brother about this cute pregnancy journal that I bought when he was a month old, because once he was born, he was so wonderful that I knew I wanted another baby. There is something so fitting about using this journal for a girl pregnancy, I find. It has such sweet drawings. I only finally filled it out last week.
Regarding the pregnancy, it’s been pretty straightforward, a short gestational diabetes scare that turned out to be a false alarm, and you like to kick around a lot. I’ve managed prenatal yoga and aquagym at the maternity hospital, something I didn’t think possible with a second pregnancy but it helps that your papa is around. I am getting a lot more in order this time around. Washing and putting away baby clothes, packing the hospital bag. I plan on kicking back as much as possible next month, relaxing and drinking up my raspberry leaf tea.This has been a special time with your brother, reading him books about pregnancy, spending lots of time with him, taking him to the pool in the morning and the park in the afternoon during this lazy summer. I will always remember it, even though I am looking forward to have two children. My heart has enough love for two.
I feel like you have already lived through so much, daughter, so much sadness already. Starting with our dear dog’s passing when you were two months gestational, and then of course Momie going at four months gestational, and spending two months in California getting all that in order. I hope you know that the world is not really like that. There’s so much to be grateful for, and so much love for you. I think you are going to be a wonderful addition to your brother’s life, and he to yours. I hope so anyway. (He may not think so at first, but we are going to do what it takes t to convince him).
I am so blessed that you are on your way, dear soon-to-be-born daughter. I look forward to meeting you, and in the meantime am enjoying daydreaming about you.